Saturday, February 25, 2006
Sent my parents to the airport today. They going to Bangkok, and they are leaving me the car, all to myself. Somehow, i find no joy in it.
I used to relish my own space, my freedom. Recently, i even found myself gawking at different cars, promising to get a car all for myself as fast as it is humanly possible. Even a 2nd hand one would do fine. I like the idea of owning a personal transport.
And now, suddenly i'm left with what i used to crave for, i'm lost. There's noone to nag at me, i can do as i please. I have a car now, i can drive anywhere i want. And i realised. I have nowhere to go, noone to go out with.
Alright alright. I do have a couple of friends who will oblige going out. But suddenly i don't feel like going out. At least not with them. I don't know why, i just feel like this. And for those i would rather go out with, they aren't free. Simply put, i'm in a predicament, and all i have to blame is myself.
It reached to a high where i just sat and stared at my com, refusing to study, refusing to do anything at all. 6pm, 7pm, 8pm, 9pm... Time passed slowly and i couldn't bring myself to even go out and get dinner when i'm starving.
Gradually, even the songs playing on the desktop sounded dull and far away. I can't even remember what songs were playing. Everything appeared numb. I couldn't feel a thing. Maybe that's how a person feels when he's dead. No pain, no emotions, can't hear anything, can't feel anything. Total and absolute emptiness, enveloping blankness.
And it isn't such a bad thing. I recall something distinctly along those lines. Without love, there is no hate. Without joy, there's no sadness. Isn't the tradeoff worthwhile?
With every joy lost, an equal pain is reduced.
With every pain lost, an equal happiness is taken away.
Take your pick.
We can see that there'll never be a perfect world where there's absolute happiness and harmony. Without understanding sadness, we wouldn't understand the joy of happiness. Its the two sides of a same coin, a double-edged blade. It can take lives, and it can save lives.
And i still didn't manage to stave off hunger pangs, even at my enlightened state of mind. And suddenly, i realised i have been way too alone for the past week. I need some company... Haha