Thursday, February 09, 2006
I realised i have very little willpower. From studying to every other aspects of my life. With weaker resolutions compared to others, i invariably take the easy route out of everything.
I choose not to study, easier route: play games.
I choose not to exercise, easier route: play games.
I choose not to go school, easier route: play games.
Then my all too brilliant but cobwebby mind starts linking it all. How come only games??? Cos games are fun and not stressful. Haha...
And my results suck. Wonder how i'm writing this? Cos i spotted my roomie frantically studying for the upcoming quizzes, while i'm happily playing games and surfing the net, oblivious to my impending doom.
I feel guilty, no less. And i'm ashamed to ask questions cause i don't know how to do tutorials is due to my slack attitude. I suck, but this sucks more... I'm stuck in a rut and sinking.
Reflectively, why am i choosing a tougher route now, something that requires effort, while i can have it easy on the other side? This issue is completely different from the studying rut. I CHOSE to trouble myself over something, and i'm having headaches over it.
Fuck. What happened to the easier route. Why didn't i take it? Cos my half fuck brain suddenly decided it wants a challenge, and have responded without considering the difficulty of it all. And once again, i'm fucking stuck.
Then it occured to me while i was playing games. My brilliant but rotting brain took this entire fiasco for a game. Well done brain. Fuck you.
Hmm.. Not exactly fiasco yet, cause i'm not yet defeated, but i haven't won and i'm sick of the game. Worse, there's no "exit game" icon in sight. I'm stranded.
Another entirely different topic. I had this bizarre dream a couple of nights ago. I was on this tour with my family when the bus stopped for us to visit this place. I went to the toilet and the entire tour group followed.
Don't ask me why they followed. Its a fucking dream...
Then when i was walking out, this fucker bumped onto me. As usual, i muttered my knns and ccbs. Then i noticed this wierd thing, that fucker i was cursing had no mouth. He had all the other human features but where the mouth was supposed to be was just pure skin.
It didn't register to me at that instant, but the this other guy with him (presumably his friend), got dissed and grabbed me by the collar.
I was pissed and started fighting back. But he lifted me easily. How in the entire fuck world is someone able to do that, when i was lashing out the way i lashed out, i had no idea.
My little bro came to my rescue. Worse, he used the other hand to lift him and hung him on the wall. How the fuck the wall had a hook in the toilet i had no idea.
My parents came rushing over and i got free. Being brilliant, it didn't occur to me to run. I mean. Who in his right mind would fight these creatures? One had superhuman strength and immune to damage, while the other.. well.. had no mouth.
Instead, i dashed forward, fists swinging, legs kicking. And my punches just bounced off him.
I awoke momentarily to discover myself punching my bed. No wonder i couldn't win, he was my mattress. WTF.
But it didn't occur to me again that i prolly couldn't win. I immediately closed my eyes and tried to get back into the dream. I wanted to show the fucker who's boss. I wanted to beat the shit out of the seemingly invincible foe.
Fuck, recently kena a lot of all these wierd dreams. Somemore i'm not responding normally. Seriously, i think i overwork my brain. Or maybe its that fucking tough task i have in hand that is screwing my thought processes.
Should i trudge ahead with this hard task? Or should i just give up and go back to my previously carefree and relaxed lifestyle. Fuck, this is hard...